Living in Purpose🦋 (& why I decided to leave medical school)

Hey y'all 💕

Whew, its been a really long time since I last wrote a blog lol, but I told myself this year I was finally ready to get back to it. Tbh, I've been dealing with so much internally & really talking to God and figuring my life out, that I simply just wasn’t in the space to share anything. BUT NOW? Oh, I got a lot to say! First things first though, happy 2022 ✨ I know I’m not the only one feeling this rejuvenated energy. Like 2022 is really about to be THAT year for so many of us. Especially after the dramatics of 2020 & 2021, this year just feels like a total shift in energy. I love it here 💖

Okay, anyways, if you’re reading this blog it’s probably because you heard I dropped out of medical school lol. Crazy right? I know, but tbh, it's the best, craziest decision I have ever made. All throughout college, I never really knew what my “passion” was. Like, I knew that I wanted to be a doctor & I had been working my entire life for this, but I still didn’t feel that burning passion that I wanted to feel. The only thing I did know was that God had brought me this far, and if it weren’t meant for me, it would have been taken from me so long ago. I just always figured I’ll keep working hard, and it’ll all make sense eventually – and that definitely came to be true, but in a TOTALLY different way than I had ever imagined lol.

Toward the end of my senior year of college, a horrible heartbreak, a ton of internal healing, and talks with God somehow led to me really finding myself. One of the hardest times I ever went through in my life, turned out to be something I now look back on and I’m SO grateful for. If there’s anything I’ve learned in life, its that God uses our pain to reveal our purpose. In my healing journey, a few prayers and small flashes of insight sparked the idea for Beauty & Brains. I remember calling my friends telling them I was gonna start a clothing line lmao – who would've thought we’d have now grown into an entire organization with supporters all across the world? The entire idea of Beauty & Brains was simply the physical representation of my essence. It was everything I stood for, all that I believed in, and truly a culmination of my soul. It was my way of sharing everything within me with all the girls going through the same struggles I had. It was really MY PURPOSE, and I knew it.

Everybody talks about finding your purpose, but I think that’s the wrong way to look at it. You don’t find your purpose, your purpose finds you! Instead of seeking externally, your purpose reveals itself to you when you place your focus INTERNALLY. Work on YOU, and everything aligned with your energy will come to you. And believe me, it’ll probably be something you never imagined for yourself. I never saw myself starting a nonprofit organization, and I still to this day have no idea how I’m going to handle whatever comes next. All I know is that I feel very aligned with my spirit, and I trust God wholeheartedly. I just focus on taking one step at a time, and allowing him to guide me.

Okay back to the main point… that still doesn’t explain WHY I decided to leave medical school. Obviously, there was (and still is) a huge part of me that wants to be a doctor, however my journey to get there felt as though it was taking away every other part of my life that truly made me, ME. I would spend full days studying, never having time to talk with my friends/family. A seemingly "good & productive" day left me feeling drained and depleted. I loved working on Beauty and Brains, but school made me feel like it was just a distraction. I was still a very good student, but slowly I just started to feel very… stuck. Trapped. Each day started to feel like a daunting “Omg I have to do this again tomorrow… and for the rest of my life?” I always randomly had little moments where I’d consider dropping out since I first started lol, but I always reasoned myself out of it. Pros & cons lists and all, but it just never made sense. I’d pray about it, and God would tell me to stick it out. So naturally, I did. I’d suck it up, buckle down, and get to work. In my mind, I had a plan already that I’d be retiring at 35 and then I could finally do B&B as much as I wanted. I could handle that.

After a few twists & turns in my journey, I finally made it to my second year and got all settled into my Springfield apartment… and I absolutely loved it here! School was still school, yes, but being in Springfield just felt so good to me. I’d go for random walks just exploring the area, and smile everyday at the sunrises & sunsets I could see from my windows. Real happiness in the little things. Slowly but surely though, school just became more & more draining. It just seemed like I was blocked from doing what I needed to do. The material wasn’t hard at all, and studying all day was not something that was foreign to me… I was used to this! For some reason though, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I started going to therapy & everything trying to figure out what’s blocking me, and how I can be consistent again in my studies. I slipped into a slow, overwhelming depression to the point where I’d stopped getting up for the day, and I'd literally cry randomly for no reason at all... daily. I just was not happy.

This went on for a few months, and through that time I prayed constantly for God to help me find my motivation in school again. To find a way to make it enjoyable... to find it worth it anymore. Despite my prayers, it just kept getting worse and worse. Now at this point, I hated myself. Why can’t I do this anymore when I KNOW that I can handle it? What is wrong with me? I remember one day just having the biggest emotional break down and I was crying out to God to help me, and the thought just popped in my head 'drop out'. I dismissed it because I had thought of it many times before, and I had gotten confirmation each time NOT to do it. But as time went by, my intuition just kept telling me 'drop out, drop out, drop out'. Eventually I finally decided to consider the idea, yanno, like why did I decide not to? Do I even wanna be a doctor anymore? Suddenly, every reason I had given myself before as to why I shouldn't, started to make sense as to why I SHOULD. I’d pray about it, and in the midst of my depression, I’d feel peace at the thought of leaving. Okay, now I am TERRIFIED because God, what??? Every possible thought ran through my mind. Literally, school is all I have ever known. Everybody is counting on me to be a doctor. Without my scholarship stipend, how am I supposed to pay my bills? What is my mom gonna say? There has to be a way to work around this, like I cannot just throw my entire life away. Despite every fear I had though, it really just made sense to me that it was time to leave. I just knew it deep in my spirit.

Now with this looming decision, the depression just got worse & worse. I knew what I needed to do, but how could I really KNOW that I was making the right decision? It wasn’t practical by any means. Why on earth would I give up a secure, safe, and reputable career to take a risk on running a nonprofit? Idk, but every part of my soul knew that I had to do it. I started to immerse myself in prayer, sermons, journaling, etc. I needed confirmation! Then, I stumbled across the “Crazy Faith” series by Pastor Michael Todd. He talked about taking a risk despite all doubts, being obedient & having faith, silencing the noise from all the doubters… literally, every part of the series spoke to me and gave me the push I needed to finally tell myself, “Yeah, I’m dropping out.” Now, the only question was HOW am I gonna do this?

And the rest was history. Lol, kidding kidding there is so much more to this story, but this is getting long, so I’m gonna end it here. The question was WHY did I make my decision… and there it is. If yall want, I can do a part two explaining how I finally made it official, broke the news to everybody, and how it turned into a leave of absence rather than me full on dropping out lol. Just drop a comment to let me know if yall want it!

All in all though, it's been about a month now since all that happened, and truly, I am the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. On the outside, I may not have anything to show for it yet, and of course it is still risky, because who knows what comes next… but all I know is that even with nothing at all, I feel so aligned with my spirit. I wake up happy daily, and I’m fully confident in GOD and myself that everything is going to work out even better than I imagined. I feel… free. I’m so grateful that God gave me the guidance & the strength to walk away from something good, for a life so much better for me. It was the toughest decision I've ever made, but I'm proud of myself. Through this process, I learned the value of surrendering and obedience. I learned how far FAITH and PRAYER can take you. In just these last two weeks, God has begun opening so many doors for me with Beauty & Brains. So many divine encounters, new partnerships, and new money on the way! I probably will go back to school eventually, but right now, I'm more certain than ever that I made the right decision. Just wait on it ✨ I love you all so so much! So happy to be back blogging finally, but until next time 🦋✌🏽

- Janet Maia 💕