Happy Sunday BBGirls (:
I just finished my 5th week of medical school, and uhh.... IM TIREDT😭 lol. No, but on a serious note, if you remember my blog posts from when I was first getting started, I really had no idea what I was doing. I was struggling to figure out a study method that worked for me, struggling to find the self-discipline to study, and honestly, just struggling to feel like I belonged here. In these 5 weeks though, I can honestly say I've grown so much... but I still have so much farther to go.
After talking with my mentor a few weeks ago, she really helped me to find a study method that worked for me. I was struggling before with seeing everybody else studying in different ways, but I had to remember to stay true to myself, and just do what I already knew worked for me. And I will say, that advice changed the game. It no longer was a question of what to do, the question just became how on earth am I gonna get all of this done? Medical school is a constant overflow of work- It never ends! And even when you've finished your to-do list for the day, there is still so much more for you to do, and so much more that you don't understand. Imagine this: We have PBL (problem based learning) sessions, which is basically our main course. During each PBL, our group has to come up with learning issues for us to go home & learn on our own based around the current case. Its extremely fast paced, and you somehow have learn everything you need to know about atrial septal defects in 3 days, before moving to the patient with the pulmonary embolism, and so on. On top of that, we have resource sessions, which are just lectures that they say are "optional", but they are really not. On top of that, you have anatomy lab, and histology lab, and we have to remember everything there, and be able to connect it to what we're learning in PBL. Then, on top of that, we have Doctoring, in which we have clinical sessions, and have to meet with actual patients learning to give a full head to toe physical exam, and know exactly what to look for to figure out the issues. So somehow, I have to find time to actually STUDY all of these things- and going over it one time is not good enough. I have to spread it out to review, so that I am constantly refreshing my mind on everything I've learned so far, while also trying to learn new things everyday. Long story short... ITS ALOT. I'm doing it though. Me and my friend Stacey became study partners, and I made us a super intense schedule for us to somehow get through all of the material before our midterm in TWO WEEKS!!!! In undergrad, two weeks seemed like a long time before an exam, but in medical school... the exam might as well be tomorrow is how I feel lol. Two weeks is no time at all!
While I have finally started to figure out what I'm doing, that doesn't mean its been easy. I honestly think that figuring out what I'm doing made it even more scary. The realization that this is my life everyday for the next 4 years is like.... what did I just get myself into? There is the constant feeling of not thinking you're doing enough, and then feeling guilty whenever you take a break. I promise yall, some days (most days), I legit study for 12-14 hours straight. I always have a "to do" list for the day, but sometimes, its hard to actually finish everything on the list. Being a planner, this is seriously so frustrating to me. Everyday I have to change my plan, and I get so overwhelmed with the amount of work I have to do, and how far behind I'm falling from my study plan. Sometimes I get really upset at myself that it took me two weeks to get into my rhythm, because I really could have used those two weeks at the beginning to do some work. Aside from just studying, its the thought of life outside of school... because I USED to have one of those. Its definitely a tough realization to accept that school is my only life now, and that I just need to keep all my focus here for the next 4 years... Thats hard. I like having fun with my friends, I love traveling, I also eventually would like to date or have a boyfriend or somethingggg lol. But being in medical school, its literally no time for any of that. I seriously give props to anybody in school, still managing to have a family of their own, and other major responsibilities. Y'all have my full respect, because it is NOT easy whatsoever. Sometimes its easy to accept that everything I'm doing is gonna pay off later... but sometimes its hard not to think about missing out on the present. I don't want to ever feel like I'm not using valuable years of my life to do things that truly make me happy. Idk, its just hard to let go of the life you were used to, and really train yourself to remain focused on what's important now.
The crazy thing is... I've been a student. My whole life. I've always had a rigorous work load, and I've always known that fun gets put on hold when its school time. Even last year, I was at home getting my masters, and couldn't even go out with my friends most of the time because I had to study. It's been my life. But medical school.... this different lol. It's a whole new level of overworking. I'm gone be totally honest with y'all, some days I wake up so motivated, have an extremely productive day, and go to bed proud of myself, and ready to get back to it tomorrow. But there are other days where I wake up tired, and just over everything... frustrated... overwhelmed... allat. This week, Thursday was the worst for me. I stayed up late on Wednesday night trying to somehow get through all of my work, and Thursday I must have just woke up on the wrong side of the bed or something. From the moment I woke up, I just had this lump in my throat, like I was ready to break down and cry at any moment. I just kept telling myself its gone be okay, we gone get through it, but I really could not shake the feeling. I ended up going to Starbucks bc I just needed something to keep going, and when I went to pay the cashier, she told me that the woman in front of me had covered my drink🥺 y'all. This is when I cried. I tried to hold it in while I was in Starbucks, but I seriously couldn't. I was lifting my head up and all, trying to keep them tears from falling lol, and I just bawled my eyes out the whole walk back to my car. I don't even know why I was crying. Her small act of kindness really just brightened my whole day 100%. It reminded me that good things happen when you're doing the right thing, and to just keep going. Later that night, my uncle randomly cash app'd me $100 "just because", and then my bff Parker called me just to tell me she was praying for me and she loved me. None of these people had any idea about the day I was having, but they all showed up right when I needed it the most. I think that's God. I think that's God's way of telling me to just keep pushing, even when it seems too hard... That was God's way of letting me know that everything is going to be okay. I'm crying now while I'm typing this because just wow... its the little things that mean the most to me fr. (I'm soft, I know lol)
So yeah, anyways... "How's medical school"??? Its goinggg lol. Its a process, and I've come so far from where I was at the beginning, but I still have so much farther to go. It's not even that the work is HARD, its just a lot, and it gets OVERWHELMING is the problem. But to keep myself going...I have to find the joy in it. Every night, I pray and thank God for how far he's brought me, and I pray that he just keep guiding me, and giving me the strength to succeed. I visualize the woman I want to become, the life I want to live, and the impact I want to have, and it becomes easier to just keep going. I think about the fact that God wouldn't have brought me to this place if it weren't where I was meant to be, so I take comfort in knowing that God saw something in me, even when it gets hard to see it in myself. I go to church every Sunday morning, and make sure to take my Sunday's to blog because this is what is therapeutic for me. I'm trying to stop feeling guilty every time I take a night off, because sometimes, I need to be able to just relax and watch a movie... and that should be okay. I accept the fact that right now, my life is in a new phase, and I have to find new ways to excite myself. I catch myself getting excited at new cases now, like when I hear an irregular heart beat or lung sound, and I can kinda guess what the problem is. I know that as I learn more, its gonna become even more exciting to actually be able to diagnose a patient. I catch myself getting excited when I study, and I understand a concept in a new way, or I am able to remember something that I was struggling with before. I talk to myself while I study, I make jokes, I dance when I get stuff right... I make it fun for myself, lol. I'm finding ways to keep my head above water, even though they are constantly drowning me in information.
But as it goes: "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11.
I know God wouldn't have brought me here if I were not meant to be here, so I'm excited to see where this journey takes me. Thank y'all for tuning into my blog every week, and coming along for this journey with me. I love you all so so much.
Until next week,